"Proud Flesh"

"The year was 2009
In the summer when a line
Was etched on my chest forever.
Heart surgery is hard
Made easier with get well cards,
Yet confused by EKGs and painkillers.
Upon my return home,
I soon learned
How ashamed I was of my scar.
A gruesome reminder of a painful experience
I was not too keen to remember.

Ugly. Awful. Horrifying.

It was once described as a worm.

Because of these names and because of my shame

I hid this mark on my chest

Along with all the rest

Of the tell tale signs of my past.

Scarring. Scars. Scarred.

Words pinned with such negative connotations.

But isn’t it said, 'What doesn’t kill us make us stronger?'

When a horse is hurt, it heals its wound, 

Forming a patch of reinforced, raised skin.

This weaving of sinews renews and sews

Torn bodies like a mended tapestry. 

“Proud flesh” it is called,

Flesh imbued with pride

Equipped with our wounds there is no need to hide

Our histories should be worn on our sleeves 

Like badges of justly earned honor.

Scars are cherished ties to our pasts.

Connections solidified in proud flesh.

Poetess Jane Hirshfield said it best

Quote, “...as all flesh

Is proud of its wounds, wears them

As honors given out after battle,

Small triumphs pinned to the chest—

And when two people have loved each other

See how it is like a scar between their bodies,

Stronger, darker, and proud;

How the black cord makes of them a single fabric

That nothing can tear of mend.” Unquote.

Not only are scars reminders of our pasts,

But the present and future also.

They tie us at the heartstrings,

Making locks of love

Meeting our past to our future.

Bear your scars proudly,

Remember their history

For they are tokens of time here on Earth.

Never lament, don’t ever fret.

Proud flesh will help us not forget.

Proud flesh will help us not forget."

     Our memories are made up by images. Whether they be physical or completely mental images, the things we can see in our mind's eye or with our actual eyes remind us of our pasts. For me, that image is of the scar on my chest. It has been four years since my heart surgery, yet foggy memories of pain and psychological suffering are brought to the forefront of my mind whenever I glance down at my scar. My scar is a gruesome image that carries the haunting memory of an experience seeped in anguish. Yet, as time has gone by, the memory this image invokes has been come less and less painful. I have come to a place of acceptance with my scar and realize that my surgery was life saving rather than life ruining. Although the memory my scar reminds me of has not changed, my perception and feelings associated with that memory have been altered.
     My poem "Proud Flesh" describes my transition from hating my scar to embracing it. At first, I could not stand the way it looked, how it set me apart from everyone else. But after comprehending how my surgery experience was literally life saving, I could not help but gain a respect for how my scar  has strengthened me. It made me push myself harder because I did not want to appear weak. At the same time, my scar taught me that it is okay to ask for help when my own exertions are not enough. The shock of the memory had begun to wear off. Instead, I became proud of the stamina I had that got me through my surgical ordeal and was able to bear my scar in public. My scar became a memento of a past experience that made me stronger, a signifier telling me "You can do hard things."
     Physical images like scars connect our past with our present much like photographs do. Author Susan Sontag describes in her writing "Regarding the Pain of Others" how photographs can embody such sentiments, "The familiarity of certain photographs builds our sense of the present and immediate past. Photographs lay down routes of reference and serve as totems of causes: Sentiment is more likely to crystalize around a photograph than around a verbal slogan."  Seeing is more powerful than just hearing about someone's painful past. It would be a more emotional experience for someone to show another their battle scars compared to simply telling a war story. Through these physical images or photographs, humans can come to a greater understanding as we are able to empathize and listen to each other. 
     In my Fireside Chat, I accompanied my poem "Proud Flesh" with a project that transitioned from blue to red as I "warmed up" to the memory invoked by my scar. The audio also changed from horse galloping to a crescendo of violins to signify my change from running away from my scar to learning to honor it. 
     Images are powerful memory carriers. They tie us to our pasts and teach us how we must act in the present and future. Scars are physical images that are be daily reminders of where we came from and how we can get to where we are going.